One of my friends likes to ask people "what are you a
geek for?" Anyone that knows me knows that I am a geek for knowledge. I
like to know things. It's usually about discovery. Although, sometimes it is
also about how I seek safety.
And I am definitely craving a feeling of comfort and safety
at the moment. My whole life has been in upheaval for the past seven months. My
Holmes-Rahe stress level is 800+ for just those months: They re-zoned the place
I had lived for over 10 years, so I had to move (thankfully seriously
downsizing). I was outsourced from my job. I went back to school. I've lived
without income for several months. I've had four family members die, three of
them unexpectedly. I'm in the middle of changing careers. I decided to dip my
toe back into the BDSM world. I began and ended a relationship(?) that has
doubled my list of life regrets (I have 2 of them now), and I am still
recovering. I had (another) cancer scare. . . So many other things. So many
big, uncertain, overwhelming things.
And I've held it together - until tonight, when I feel
forced to really see the unraveling. See - tomorrow night is my last official
night with my girls. I've volunteered with a group of teenage girls for the
past seven years. I've helped them with math. Held their hands through first
crushes, and things way harder. I've called CPS. I've built houses in Mexico
with them, served the homeless here. Chaperoned their dates. I've rescued them
from embarrassment, cheered for their successes, and created space for them to
fail in front of each other without the world crashing. I've written college
recommendations. I've watch them grow up and into people who love each other
and others well. And I look and see a group of lovely young women who have
these amazing futures ahead of them, and think: "I had some small part in
that."
Through all the upheaval of the past eight months - I've
looked at them and known that my life has gravitas and meaning. That I have
chosen significance. But tomorrow night is our last official group time. We
have some fun things planned, but tomorrow is it officially. And I realize that
I have one more unknown that I am adding to the mix - that of stripping away
the last bit of validation I have looked to the past few months in the midst of
doubt, shame, and overwhelming grief. And I have to admit that I am at a
crossroads about what to choose next in this sphere too.
The book I'm reading now calls such breakdowns
"spiritual awakenings" - one of choosing the life we want to live -
and getting rid of the compulsive choosing of what we think we
"should" do. And I think that's right. That there are seasons of
unraveling in order to move us (or at least me!) toward grace and serenity in
the imperfect and unknowns. That my carefully ordered world is being taken
apart only in order to make space for me learning more to choose to be who I
really want to be.
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